Another hot day. I can't breathe. 3 weeks till summer holiday. Then at least I can be home and not breathe.
always always always always always
Se & Hør's editor got fired today. For printing the story about Stig Tøfting. So maybe there is a little justice in the world after all. And maybe he actually was so stupid that he was surprised that there would be a strong reaction to the story. Hah. Now we just need Sepp Blatter to be thrown in jail for corruption and then everything is good.

Everything is not good though. My brother is home. With his cigarette smell and his greasy fingers on my mouse. And his stupid chat pages that take all the computer's ressources. I kid you not, everytime he's had the computer the clock is off by 20-30 minutes. I don't get it. What is it he does that makes the clock go slower? Don't tell me I overreact when I complain about my brother. He defies time. Somebody get me a priest.

And general annoyances. It's going to be great when dad comes home for the holiday. Oh I can't wait. The whole family together. Sweet deal. It's so easy to pretend there's nothing wrong when Peter is in nothern jutland and dad is on greenland. Out of sight, out of mind. When everybody is here then it's just not possible to ignore how fucked up we all are. We're like the Osbournes except grotesque instead of funny. Hah. Or just poor instead of rich. I don't know.

I'm not sure I could survive if I didn't have something to complain about so it's just as well I guess.

Ah, summer. The one sure way to tell it's summer is the incessant sounds of kids running around outside and playing ball against our wall. Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. And sooner or later it goes over the roof and into our yard and the doorbell rings and when they have the ball back then it starts again. Thump. Thump. Thump. Sometimes I just really, really wish the whole world would just leave me the fuck alone. I mean really. Who got the bright idea to build our houses right next to each other? I blame overpopulation.

If only it was possibly to be a hermit and yet retain all the goods of civilization.

If only it was possible to get ear plugs that blocked out all sounds.

I wonder if I'll ever be happy. I mean really happy. With everything. Content. Where I want to be. But where would you go from there then? I don't know.

I just feel so unfulfilled. Strayed from the path and can't find my way back. And there's no real relief in sight. The holiday will be nice but it'll be bad too with the whole family thing. And then it'll be over and I'll go back to work that I don't particularly like. And then when my 2nd period there expires I probably won't have to work there anymore but it's just inevitable that whatever I have to do after that will be even worse and I'll be longing for the happy days at the barn. And what if it doesn't get better, if I don't get better, and it keeps going like this. And nothing happens. And I never find the path. And I just keep letting people down. What if I never do anything right...

I am very weak. I don't know what to do or how to do it. But I guess I'll just let things happen and see where it goes. I don't have any illusions that I can control my own fate. I'm locked down. Falling. I'm going nowhere, don't pin your hopes and dreams on me. Abandon ship.

If it wasn't for music I think I'd wish I was deaf. Selective deafness. I'd like that. Since I can't tell people to shut up.

Breathe in. It's not all bad. It just seems like that all time. Breathe out.
I can never do anything right anyway. very tired
It's just too hot. That's my main point.

np: zwan - rivers we can't cross (020405)