I'm so scared of being close to someone. Anyone. I've spent half my life trying to avoid it. Pushing everyone away. Physical and emotional closeness. I don't know how to deal with it.

I feel weak and worried. But it's Monday. I guess it's just natural. I'm so tired. I tried sleeping after I came home today but I couldn't really. It didn't click. The art of napping is complex and must be done just right. Otherwise it will leave you even more tired and unfulfilled. I think I read that in a book I once imagined that I wrote.

Errr. Work was incredibly boring and there's still nothing to do and I'm starting to regret that the pyromaniac didn't succeed in burning that place down. Or maybe that's my tired mind trying to articulate some sort of frustration, I don't know.

Then I went to the bank. I was very nervous about that. But it went ok. As okay as it can when you have to sit down with a banker. You know how insane and unpredictable those types can be...

He was very nice actually. I had Skye's account number and bank name. I should have had the bank address too. But he seemed to figure it all out and I got the money sent. Except it doesn't go as fast as my mother had lead me to believe. So it might be a couple of days before Skye gets the money. She has already bought the tickets by the way. She's actually coming. Wow. Anyway, she can loan some money from her friend in case mine hasn't arrived yet when she needs to pay. I'm sure it will all be okay. At least I braved the bank. Physical closeness to a banker isn't so bad as long as there are big desks and computers in the way.

I met my mother on the way home from the bank. She has been keyboard shopping. She got me a cordless keyboard, can you believe it? Score! With a cordless mouse included. She should spill coffee on more things so I can get new and better replacements. Maybe if the video breaks she'll buy me a dvd player. Now there's a plan.

I haven't installed the keyboard and mouse yet. I'm so tired and spent. So if you're reading this right after I've posted it there might be a lack of L and G letters. Until I have had time to edit the entry. Another fascinating look behind the scenes of Plume.

Last night I closed my entry with a mention of random evil and a "let's be careful out there". Not long after that evil struck on Bali. And what can you do? Stop getting gas? Stop going to discotheques? Maybe the world would be safer if everyone was social phobic and stayed inside all the time. We could build really thick walls and no one would ever be abe to hurt us.

...

I'm not in the top 50 on clix and my guestbook is starving. I'm going to have to start begging soon. Instead of these subtle hints.

...

I just had a talk with my mother. She's being awfully nice and helpful again. It's almost scary. But sweet. See, I have to take the train with Skye to the airport when she leaves. And my mother will come meet me and we'll go back to Aarhus together. It costs more money and my mother has to change her plans and I'm very scared. But it's the right thing to do I guess. It's hard enough for Skye already, taking the train and the plane in a foreign country. At least now I'll go with her for some of it.

I'm 24 and I can't take the train on my own. But it's better than not taking the train at all, right? A step in the right direction. And meeting Skye is a step. Maybe they're small steps. But when you're used to walking backwards then any movement forward has to be good. I guess. Maybe. I still feel weak.

God I'm going to be tired when I get back home Saturday night. Physically and emotionally. Drained. I predict.

Do I sound negative? I'm happier about this than anything ever before.

np: pumpkins - soot and stars