and all I wanted
was you here next to me
a little sunshine and sympathy
- El Sol, Zwan

A Little Sunshine
Part 1
Travelogue

FRIDAY July 4th 2003
--------------------

Well, here I am in the bus. In fact it's just starting to move now. And I feel so bad I could cry.

I almost did. 5 minutes ago. When my mother left. I don't know if I've ever felt so bad before. So small and alone and afraid.

The sun just went away. Dark clouds. How symbolic. But at least it won't be too hot in the bus then.

Okay. Deep breath. I need to calm down. Some music, a book. Everything will be okay. I can do this. I can do this. I want my Skye.

5 hours to Hamburg.

15 to Rotterdam.

I want my Skye.

...

The bathroom is so small. I don't want to go there. 15 hours. I guess I'll have to at some point. I took a seat almost right next to it. So it won't be a long walk at least.

People are talking and laughing. I have to cough but I don't want to because I don't want people to notice me. Small and alone. At least it's easy to hide then.

God, I hope no one sits next to me. I'm right next to the toilet and an entry/exit so maybe that's too much to hope for. I just don't want anyone to sit there. A little privacy would go a long way.

When we were getting on the bus the driver came out and took our luggage. Put it in the luggage compartment, placed by our destination. So we had to tell him where we were going. That was good. Just the fact that no one said "ROTTERDAM? THE BUS AIN'T GOING TA ROTTERDAM!" was really good. And the people ahead of me were going to Amsterdam, so that told me that I was on the right way too. I really hope I don't have to change busses in Hamburg. It would be really great if I could stay in this one. We'll see. The bus itself seems pretty nice. Not too shabby, if you have to go by bus.

There's a little kid driver! Well, he's not driving obviously. But he's dressed just like the driver and he's helping with the tickets and such. How adorable. Maybe he's a trainee. But he's like 8-9 years old I think. Fun.

...

Haha. I just figured out the air conditioner! Now it's all a breeze!

...

2 hours into the trip by now. No music or books yet but just watching the landscape go by instead. I feel more calm...

Ooh rest break. Gotta go stretch the legs. Be rite back.

...alritey. That was good. Fresh air and a proper toilet. Well, as proper as it gets at a rest stop diner.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, I'm feeling somewhat better. There is something slightly comforting about the fact that it's too late to turn back now. There is no longer any point in wanting to give up because now I have no choice. It's Rotterdam or nothing.

I got some good news and some bad news. The bad news are that I no longer have my privacy. A very pretty girl has taken the seat next to me. Thus is the life on the bus. I'll manage.

The good news are that this bus is going straight to Rotterdam. Awesome. That means I don't have to change busses in Hamburg. That cuts my worries in half. And then half again. I'm happy about that.

So that's good. I'm going to grab some music once the bus starts going again.

Oh that's now. It's 19:00. 3 hours till Hamburg.

...

Hmm. Seems we're in Germany now. We must have passed the border while I had my eyes closed listening to my live Radiohead mix. Either that or they're abandoning the whole border thing. Who knows with the European Union these days. Oh well. I'm out of Denmark for the first time in 9-10 years.

...

There's something magical about it. Follow Me Around playing, the German countryside going by. Somehow Radiohead fits the German Autobahn. Or whatever it's called.

To Sheila would do nicely here. Maybe I should dig out Adore soon.

Beautiful music makes everything better. Yeah it follows me around. Nowadays I get panic.

You know Germany looks a lot like Denmark. And the weather is still pleasantly cool. So far I'm still alive.

...

An hour and a half till Hamburg. My heart is beating pretty normally. Everything is going to be ok.

It feels kinda good to write in the bus. I feel like Hemingway. Or at least someone who wrote travel stories. Anyway, my story might not be interesting, but it's mine.

I have almost finished my ice cold bottle of mountain flavoured Powerade. That's good stuff. The bus is starting to become a bit hot. Cold refreshments are in order methinks. I'm tired and okay.

...

I wonder if Hemingway ever wrote "my butt is sore"? Suffer the artist.

...

30 minutes from Hamburg. It's slowly getting darker outside. And we seem to have hit a rainstorm too. And Radiohead has been replaced by Eels. "This could be your lucky day in hell". Well the bus isn't that bad.

It's really raining a lot. I hope we don't have any accidents. I don't want to be one of those people on the frontpages. It's never safe to be a tourist...

...

Hamburg! We're here. And the pretty girl got off the bus. But chances are someone will take her place. I'll see soon. I'm just glad I don't have to change. The bus driver was very nice about it though, thoroughly explaining which busses people had to switch to. I hope it'll be the same on the trip back. Or rather, I hope I won't have to change bus there either.

There was a shop called "Wurst & Durst" right around the corner here. Too bad I didn't get a pic. I think my old buddy Fred would have liked it.

...

What a horrible night! I'm glad this is almost over. I never want to do this again. For another week at least...

I'm tired, my head hurts, my neck hurts. Sleeping on a bus is not easy. I wish I had brought a pillow.

But amost there now. Close to Rotterdam. I'm in the Netherlands for the first time in my life. Probably not the last. Time for the good stuff soon.

A Little Sunshine
Part 2
Walking From The Shadows To My Love

SATURDAY July 5th 2003
----------------------

Well, here I am. The travelling is all done and I'm sitting down with Skye in our bungalow house place. It's a strange feeling. We've been apart for so long and now here we are - together again. It makes me almost as nervous as the first time we met. It annoys me that it's so hard to be the same person offline as I am online. I wish I was a better conversationalist. I think I can be a hard person to be in a room with sometimes. Awkward silences a lot of the time. but at least we're alone together at last.

My bus arrived in Rotterdam almost an hour earlier than planned so I had to wait at the bus station for a while. Gave me plenty of time to worry. I kept looking at every car passing by to try and see if I could spot Skye. When I finally did spot Skye she wasn't in a car, but walking towards me with Sacha.

It was a great relief to see her. I wasn't stranded alone in Rotterdam after all. And I had missed her. We hugged. It was a little awkward, I still need to practice my social skills. But it was good to feel her.

And I said hello to Sacha. He was just as wonderful as his pictures had suggested. What a beautiful and sweet dog. I wasn't even scared of him. Although I need to practice my animal social skills too.

The three of us walked to their car. And I met Skye's parents. Very scary. I don't know what they thought about me, but they were very nice. I guess there wasn't that much reason to be worried after all.

Some polite small talk was made. I was pretty tired from the long trip though. I focused mostly on Sacha, who got to sit and lie in my lap! Wow, what a great feeling. He is just completely amazing. And I don't mind the thousands of dog hairs I got all over me. It was so worth it.

Other things to notice: they had a talking car, much like a female Knight Rider. And I didn't take Skye's hand even though I wanted to hold it.

We stopped off at a bakery to get some bread and I got to stretch my legs again. Too much driving. I was feeling queasy. Skye's mother gave me a cheese sandwich and when I had eaten half of it I really thought I was going to throw up. What a great first impression that would have made.

But we got to the place and got all our luggage and provisions inside. And said goodbye to her parents. It's really a beautiful place here. Reminds me of childhood summers in Sweden.

We're still settling in a bit. We tried to make pizza but there's no oven so we tried to fry it in a pan instead. Wasn't a great success. You live and you learn.

Then we decided to go to bed. Long day for both of us. So we took a nap together. Strange strange. Being in bed with a beautiful girl like that. It still scares me. But hopefully I will begin to get more used to it now that we have some more time together.

Hopefully I'll get more used to it all.

Everything is so real. And right here and now.

...

Oh I forgot to mention that I'm writing this in the most amazing diary, the pages are like something from an antique papyrus scroll or something like that. It almost seems like a shame to ruin the pages with my writing, hehe.

It's very beautiful.

Skye gave me some other things too. A great Zwan shirt from the concert. Stamps for my dad, an adorable poster, pants, CDs, wrist band thingie and a Thom Yorke clipping. It's like christmas all over. She is so great.

...

It's amazing how fast things go sometimes. First we were both a bit upset. Skye was homesick, and I didn't know what to do. It's hard to help when you're dealing with your own problems too. But we managed to talk about it a little. And it helped. Both of us I think.

And then we made dinner. That was fun. I tried to help out but I messed up the first helping of mashed potatoes. Oh well. Second was better. And dinner was good. I'm not used to the more ecsotic foods but I'll get used to it.

We skipped doing the dishes and went to bed for another nap instead. Although we didn't get that much sleep. Instead we sort of cuddled, snuggled and made out. At least that's how I'd describe it. It's pretty amazing being that close to another person. It's still hard for me. But Skye made it good. Showed me new and exciting things. Beautiful, scary things. It's strange, being 25 and a complete beginner at sexual things. But you live and you learn. And it's pretty great too.

SUNDAY July 6th 2003
---------------------

Day 2 is well underway. I'm starting to feel a little more at home here. It's hard being away. Not being able to do all the little things I usually do. But instead there are new things do. After our nap yesterday we went for a walk around the place. It's really beautiful. Lots of trees and grass. Peaceful. Except when the roosters are... roosting. Or whatever it's called. It's just a beautiful and serene place. Right now Skye and I are sitting here looking out the panorama windows. Spotting squirrels and rabbits. I'm not kidding. These beautiful animals are just running around outside our place. It's amazing. I almost expect to be able to go outside and stand still and have a bird land on my finger. It's so nice.

But back to yesterday. We walked around for a while and looked at the chickens and rabbits. The ones in cages, not the ones running around free. It was quite nice. Holding hands again. It's a good feeling. Just squeezing her hand a little when you don't always know what to say. After the walk it was getting late. We headed to bed soon after. I was very tired. It had been a while since I had last had a really long good sleep.

We didn't sleep right away of course. There was more kissing and touching. I wasn't sure how much I really wanted to do. I still get scared a lot. It's funny. I thought it was the girl who was supposed to be scared. Instead I find myself holding back. But it's good to be close to Skye. She was lying on top of me. You can't get much closer than that. It's hard for me to be that close to someone. But when you let go a little it feels so good too.

Too bad the alcohol didn't loosen me up more, hehe. I had a Bacardi breezer thing and some peach wine stuff too. The first time I really have had alcohol. But she didn't get me quite drunk enough I guess. Who knows what would have happened if the condom instructions had been handier though...

Eventually we did go to sleep. Again very close. Holding and touching. It's hard to get used to too. You're not just alone there, you have to think of the other person too. I find it harder to relax like that, but also a good feeling when you're not alone.

It's funny the way we prefer different temperatures too. When it gets too hot for me it's nice for her. And the other way around. But it's been okay so far I think. Maybe it's just my luck that the heating system costs money so we can't turn it on!

It was a good night's sleep. Really good to just relax. Skye even got up before me and made some breakfast. How nice. Not that I would have minded helping her. I guess I just always need a lot of sleep. I'm getting tired now already. We just came back from a walk in the forest. Took a couple of hours. I'm not used to walking that much, but it was very nice. A beautiful forest. Peaceful most of the time. Just walking around and enjoying the fresh air. The weather was a bit better than yesterday too. No more rain. But that's what has happened so far. Oh and the shower. man, that was a nice shower. Just feeling the water wash away the last couple of days' dirt and worries away. Felt so good. Best shower ever.

A Little Sunshine
Part 3
No Bodies Felt Like You

MONDAY July 7th 2003
---------------------

Time is starting to move faster. We're almost halfway through. No matter what you do, you can't stop time passing by. We've been having nice dinner and more dish washing. It's strange, I'm not used to it all. Now it's like we're a real family or something. Different, everything is so different. The bread is different. The cheese is different. Even I am different. Skye did my hair. It's being stupid though. I'm used to having it all as a big mess anyway.

We had a bit of a hard time yesterday. I guess all this closeness scares me more than I knew. It's strange because when we were in bed together and we were naked and she was on top of me, it was so good. Maybe the best feeling I have ever had. She feels so good, warm and soft against me. And s he makes me feel so good. But when it gets really serious and the sex itself is about to happen it just gets too much for me. That last step is very hard. So personal and intimate and important. It scares me so much and makes it difficult to go on. It makes me feel bad because I don't want her to feel it's her fault. One of the best things about this vacation so far is how accepting she is. It makes me feel so good that I don't have to hide my scars or my body. She was feeling around on me, all the parts that I usually try to hide. It's just a wonderful thing, to be accepted like that. Feeling like it's okay. I just wish I didn't get so scared still. Even though we have a lot more time together now than we've ever had before, it still takes so long for me to feel safe and okay. And it must be very hard for Skye when she ends up having to be strong and help me instead of the other way around. But I guess we have to try to help each other through the hard parts.

Today we went shopping in the supermarket in the local city. We took our bikes. Another thing that's quite different than what I'm used to. The brakes are all weird. But at least I didn't crash. And it was nice going outside and in the shop like a real couple. Doing all those little things together helps me feel stronger and safer.

TUESDAY July 8th 2003
----------------------

Time really is flying now. Just like the birds outside. We keep throwing old bread outside the house and we get lots of birds and chickens visiting. There are three chickens that usually come and eat the bread. It's nice, they're like family almost. I just hope they didn't see that we had chicken for dinner yesterday. It was very good by the way. Nice and simple with mushroom sauce. Very good chicken, better than my mum's even, I think.

After the chicken dinner we took another nap. Not that we sleep much. But it's good. I think I'm getting a little more used to being naked together like that. Skye is making me feel better. And she is so beautiful it's almost unreal. I mean I've seen my fair share of naked girls in pictures and such. But seeing her in real life, so naked and soft and perfect. It's really amazing. Makes me feel lucky.

And just that she wants to be with me. I am lucky.

We ended yesterday with watching a movie on the little TV. We watched The Long Kiss Goodnight with Geena Davis and Samuel L. Jackson. It wasn't exactly our movie of choice. More like the only movie on at the time. But it was okay. I always like Samuel. And it was good to sit there with Skye and to hold her when the movie got scary. She reacts a lot more emotionally to movies than I do. So it was good to help her a little like that. I'd never let anything happen to her if I could help it. After the movie we went to bed. Both very tired I think. And now it's Tuesday morning. Although it's a little late to call it morning I guess. We had a nice little breakfast like always. I'm actually drinking tea now, how weird. But I like it. The sugar is different from what I'm used to too. But like all the other things it's good when you give it a chance.

There's just something magic about this place. Sitting with Skye, watching the birds. It feels so good. Everything isn't perfect yet. I still want to do better. But so far we've come a long way from where we were. And I'm feeling pretty good right now. The weather isn't too bad either. But I do need a shower. I'm quite sweaty. If it wasn't for Skye then I'd be hoping for some rain. But that wouldn't be fair. And a shower will do fine too hehe.

...

Today we went for another walk in the forest. It's quite wonderful. We just have to cross the road and then we have a huge forest to walk around in. It was getting a bit too hot for me but it's still good to just walk around and listen to the birds singing. We had a map that we bought at the store yesterday and we found our way to a little café place where we sat down and had some food. I got a pancake. And it was bloody big too. I almost couldn't finish it. There were too many people there too. I wasn't feeling so great. But again, it was nice to be out and doing stuff together. Sitting outside in the sun at the café like a real couple. I still keep thinking that. "Like a real couple". I guess I still find it strange that I'm with someone, that someone wants me.

We walked back through the woods and almost got lost. Real city slickers.

The chickens welcomed us back just like they had said godbye to us. You can hear them all day, all the time. It's nice. Feels like home.

Later we went back to the store at the little city near here. A nice little bike ride again. I got a postcard for my parents. I hope they'll like it. And then we got some yummy ice cream and some drinks. And I didn't crash on my bike again. A minor miracle.

Tuesday is getting old now. Not much time left. We have Wednesday and then Thursday we have to clean and pack and then leave for Rotterdam. So we won't be able to do that much. Time feels strange like this. Sometimes so slow and sometimes so fast. Sometimes I look forward to being home and for things to be "normal" and sometimes I just want to sit here and feel Skye caressing my back forever.

I'm feeling a lot better about the closeness, it's such a good feeling to be near Skye. There's still some way to go before my worries go away though. I still can't help getting scared when things become very personal and intimate. We were lying in bed and Skye was telling me to open up and let her in. And it was like I could physically feel the 5 years of loneliness weighing heavily on me, suffocating me. It's like a wall that I almost can't break through sometimes. But on this vacation I have at least done many things I've never done before. I've tried, and I hope I've done okay some of the time. And I'll keep trying.

WEDNESDAY July 9th 2003
------------------------

Bright and early morning. Wednesday and the vacation is pretty short now. We had a really good time yesterday though. In bed. We were being naked and close again. And I was scared but doing a little better I guess. Skye made me come for the first time. It's so hard to let go like that but she just made me feel so good that I didn't have a choice really. It was just wonderful. I've waited so long for something like this and I just feel happy to have done this with a girl. With Skye. She is so good to me. Even after all my intimacy problems she still goes on and makes me feel so good. She is something very special and I feel luckier than ever to have her.

I still have some problems breaking down the walls but when we can make each other feel so good then it's a start at least. I'm still very insecure about doing it for her, but she seems to like it a lot so I guess I don't do it all wrong. What I enjoy most is still just lying naked against each other. It's getting easier and it feels really good. Her skin against mine. Later we got up and watched Batman together. What a change. Again it was mostly because there weren't a lot of movies to choose from. It's not really a romantic couples movie. But I like watching movies with Skye. It reminds me of our first meeting. Sitting close and watching videos.

Things are so much better when you do them with someone you love. I like all the little things we do together, just cooking or doing the dishes or watching the chickens outside. Just little things that may not sound special, but they are when you're doing them with someone special. I used to think love didn't matter. When I was alone I convinced myself that it wasn't important because love wouldn't make life better anyway. I was wrong.

...

Did I mention that Skye has very cute feet? They're just small and adorable. I guess that sort of describes all of her. My little adorable girl.

...

We just fed the chickens again. There wasn't any bread left outside but we just had to give them some when they came walking up to our house. There are lots of chickens here but it's always the same three that come to our house. It's really nice. You get to feel like they are "our" chickens. One of them seems pretty shy though, he stays a bit away, usually under the trees. Almost like he's a little scared. But eventually he comes out and eats too.

Now they've left and the birds get a chance to eat some of the leftover bread. It really is such a beautiful place here. I wish I had a forest like the one there is here. That would be a good excuse to get out and exercise. Just walking in the woods. The air is so fresh and everything just seems so nice. And the birds seem to like it too.

...

Skye is cooking for us so I'm just taking the chance to tell about our day. We took our bikes and went for a ride in the forest. There's a special bike path you can use. We pretty much went as far as when we walked yesterday but on our bikes it was a lot faster of course. We stopped at a bench and had a little rest. Then we walked into another forest. Yeah, it's just full of forests here. When we returned to get our bikes we couldn't find them. I guess we took a wrong turn somewhere and left the forest at the wrong place. But we walked up the road a bit and found the place where we'd left the bikes.

Man, I can't believe I've been away from home for 5 days now. It's a strange feeling. I'm almost getting used to it now. It gets easier the more you get used to it. It's funny, when I go home my dad will be there. I haven't seen him for so long, and then he decides to get home just when I leave. On Saturday morning I called home with Skye's cellphone just to tell my mother that I had arrived okay. But it was my dad who picked up. Strange. I guess I'll see him soon.

Well, the food is done but I couldn't eat my burger thing. I feel so stupid, I helped pick out the meat myself. Everything Skye has brought has been pretty much great and then I mess it up when I help. I can be quite difficult, there are still lots of old ingrown habits that are hard to change.

A Little Sunshine
Part 4
Travepilogue

THURSDAY July 10th 2003
-----------------------

That's about it. The last day of the trip. We just finished cleaning the house. I'm sure that's always the worst part of any vacation. Cleaning the place when you're done. But it's okay, it's not like it's a very big place so it wasn't too hard. We just need to defrost the fridge if we can figure out how to.

And now it's almost over. Well, we have to spend the day in Rotterdam waiting for my bus. And I have a 15 hour bus trip so it's still some time to go for me. But our time together in the house is almost over. Skye's parents will be here soon. They'll sit down and relax for an hour or so I guess. And Skye and I can take Sacha for a walk. I'm looking forward to that. He's such a great little dog. I'll miss him too. After our last meeting I was missing Skye, this time I will be missing the two of them. I'm going to miss just sitting here and looking out the panorama windows too. Nice and peaceful.

Yeah, it's going to be strange to get back home and be alone again. It's been really good to be close to someone. All the kisses and touches. It's been a hard trip but I'll remember the good things like that. Skye helped me a lot with the hard things. She's been so good to me. And it must have been hard on her a lot too. It's pretty amazing how much she's done. How much she's had to deal with and take care of. And still made me feel good. She is very special. We've been close together 24 hours a day for this vacation and she still seems so special to me. We've cried and orgasmed, laughed and hugged, cleaned and cooked. Had the good with the bad. But just that we're here is a pretty great thing I think. Another step on our path. And even though I can be painfully slow at least we're still moving forward.

...

It's later now. Skye and I are sitting in Rotterdam. On a bench in the shade. It's way too hot. I just want to get in an airconditioned bus soon. It's been a hard day so far. Skye's parents came and I guess it went okay at first even though I was very nervous. We took Sacha for a walk in the forest. Just wonderful. I even got to hold his leash some times. Walking a dog. Another thing to add to my "New Things I've Tried" list.

Then Skye's parents drove us to their house. A long drive in the sun. I was starting to feel pretty sick. I guess I'm not much good at being in cars. But it was great to be holding Sacha again. Having him lie on me, sit on me. It's very sweet.

We got to Skye's house just in time. It was good to get out again. And then I got to meet Skye's brother, Bas, and one of his friends. It was okay, but I doubt I made much of an impression. I'm much too shy.

We went outside and sat down in their lovely back yard. I got a nice glass of apple juice. I needed that. Skye's parents were still trying to make conversation but I guess I wasn't doing too good. It was all a bit much by then. I hadn't really been expecting to go to her house and the heat was very strong. I was just very stressed. And when Skye's mother brought me some of the dinner she was cooking for me to taste it just went all bad. I couldn't swallow it, I almost had to throw up. I guess I destroyed any chance of a good relationship with my parents-in-law there. But I just couldn't help it. Skye and I went up to her room and I got some water and she helped me feel better. She explained to her mother that I'd been carsick and I apologized too but I don't know how effective it was. How do you apologize for insulting someone's cooking anyway?

After that dinner was pretty much off. Skye's mother drove us to the train station instead and now here we are in Rotterdam.

I guess we'll have to find somewhere to get dinner soon. I'm just very tired now. I wanna be home in my bed soon. A weary traveller indeed.

FRIDAY July 11th 2003
-----------------------

More weary than ever. Time for the last chapter of the story I guess. Back on the bus.

It's 4:45 in the morning. We just stopped at "raststätte Aarbachkate". A rest stop with diner and all. I guess we're making good time because we're stopping here for a whole hour. I wouldn't mind if we could just get going so I could be home as soon as possible. I don't like bus nights. Not at all. But it's almost over now.

Saying goodbye to Skye was hard. We ended up having dinner in Burger King. Which was really nice for me. French fries and ice cold Sprite. That's what I call a good meal. My tastes are simple.

We also stopped at a big electronics store and bought me some cheap CDRs. Packed them down in an already heavy bag. Rather annoying that we had to be carrying my bags around for hours in the city. But what can you do.

After dinner we went back to the station to wait for my bus. We bought some drinks and sat down on some cinder blocks or something. No benches. And then we waited. I w as getting nervous about the busses. There were 3 EuroLines busses there and I didn't know which one I'd have to get on. So I was just getting more and more nervous about that and sad that it was almost time to say goodbye to Skye. It hadn't exactly been a perfect days but it's always sad when something is ending like that.

As always Skye was comforting me and making me feel better.

Eventually I went to one of the busses and asked the driver if he was going to Denmark. He said yes, but he didn't seem very reassuring, I still couldn't help worry if it was the wrong bus. Skye and I stood just outside it for a while and just held eachother. I was getting more and more nervous though and finally I just wanted to go in and sit down. So we said our goodbyes. Hugged and kissed. And I went in and sat down. Skye went to the window and we watched each other for a little.I was feeling bad at that point. Almost crying. The bus still wasn't going. So Skye came back to the bus door and "called" me out. We hugged and kissed again. I told her I was scared and she told me it would be okay. And I went inside again. Some dutch guy started talking to me and when he finally stopped I said "I don't understand". He said "Oh okay. Well... nevermind then" and smiled. He seemed pretty nice. When the bus started moving a little he signalled for Skye to come inside. We were still watching each other through the windows. He thought she was coming along but I told him she wasn't. That was kind of sad. Telling him my girlfriend wasn't coming.

We touched hands through the windows and the bus started driving for real. We waved. And she was gone.

I'm used to being alone but not on my own. It's scary. And when you've been used to being so close for 24 hours a day then it's like a vacuum when the other person is gone. It's going to be strange to get used to that. Just like it was strange to get used to being close after being alone so long.

But back to the bus trip. I didn't get to sit alone for long. Some woman sat down next to me when we picked up more passengers in The Hague. No privacy for me.

When we came to Amsterdam I had to change busses. It was a bit hectic. I had to go to the EuroLines office and exchange my ticket for a boarding pass. I didn't have to do that on the first trip. I don't like when things change like that. But I got through it. And I got a nice surprise. The new bus I got on was a Danish bus. In fact it was the very same bus I'd taken on my first trip. Even the drivers were the same. Poul & Helge. The only thing missing was the little 10 year old trainee. But still a very nice familiarity that comforted me a lot. No more worrying. The Danish drivers were much better than the first guy. Just easier to talk to and very helpful and so on. And the Danish bus was much better too. Not to toot my national trumpet too much but I think the Danish branch of EuroLines is pretty decent. They make it easier to travel like this.

Right now we're at the station in Hamburg. We're waiting for another EuroLines bus. It's about an hour late. Annoying. But I still like that they wait. No passengers get left behind. They wait until everyone is on their bus before they go on. That's reassuring if you have to change busses. But fortunately I don't have to change anymore.

It's been a long night in the bus again. I haven't really been able to sleep. Skye gave me some pills to help and I borrowed an inflatable pillow thing from her parents but I guess I still can't really do it. It doesn't help that I got an aisle seat. I really need a window seat. If you sit in the outer seat then there's no safe side. There's a guy on one side and then the walkway on the other. No safety. And what if you fall asleep? I'm just paranoid that I'll keel over and lie on the guy next to me. Not that he wouldn't deserve it. He took up lots of space. Like he owned the place. Geez. In situations like this I try to crunch up and make myself as hardly noticeable as possible. At least I don't invade anyone's personal space then.

But anyway, he's gone now I think. He's left the bus and I'm pretty sure he's getting on the other one when it gets here. Hopefully I can sit alone for the rest of the trip. At the very least I'll have a window seat.

It's been hard to sleep because I'm missing Skye too. I miss the way she says the word "sweetie" to me. I miss her touch. Her laugh and lips. And things keep reminding me of her. There was a girl somewhere in the back of the bus who sounded like her. I think she was Danish though. But she spoke English and there was just something similar in the voice. And then just in front of me there sat a couple who kept kissing and cuddling. Just reminded me of Skye's kisses and touches.

But I'm okay now. I just want the bus to start going again. So the a/c will kick in again. Mmm I love me some good a/c. I've had it running all the time. Sweet cool air.

There's a baby crying in the bus. Poor thing. Sounds like she's sick. Coughing and sneezing. A hot and stuffy bus is no place for a sick baby.

I guess Skye is sleeping right now. In her own comfy bed. How strange, later today I'll be talking to her online again. It's such a different thing. And it will be a while before we meet again. Life is very strange sometimes.

Almost home now.

and all I wanted
was just to hold you close
a little sunshine
just to butter my toast
and your love next to mine
- El Sol, Zwan

vacation photo album

(the story before and the story continues)