Why does my English become awkward when I want to write...?

This was supposed to be good/interesting/funny. It wasn’t. So I’m abandoning it. What a surprise. Enjoy!

AMUSING AMPUTATIONS
(A failed attempt at storytelling)

The year 2167, Thursday night. CyberCrapTV has found a new hit concept. The ratings are through the roof, the sponsors are raking in money like never before. And here we are for the taping of yet another show...

Bright lights are turned on and a man dressed in a tacky red suit comes to the edge of the stage.

- Weeelcome to AMUSING AMPUTATIONS, the show where you win when you lose... an arm or a leg!

The crowd roars.

- My name is Johnny Dildo and I'll be your host tonight...

The crowd is still roaring.

Multicoloured spotlights dance around the stage as the Amusing Amputations Theme Song plays. Johnny Dildo makes his way to the back of the stage and sits down in an oversized blue rubber chair. As he inspects the operating table next to him the crowd sings along to the Theme song.

- We don't need no limbs, we don't need nothing. If you give us money, Johnny, we won't even scream.

Johnny smiles slyly. Stupid song, they have to scream... otherwise the show wouldn't be much fun.

The cameraman starts to zoom in on Johnny as a deep voice from a speakerbooth announces the sponsor of the show.

- Amusing Amputations is brought to you in association with Fair Repair. Fake plastic body parts for low-low prices

The crowd starts to quiet down. The noise goes from a loud roar to a general buzz. Some impatient hothead tries to get some attention by shouting at Johnny.

- Get on with the ampuh-tasions, you diildo.

Johnny maintains his talkshow host smile. Damn punks.

- Well well, I can hear you're all very impatient out there. And I'm sure the viewers at home are too. So let's get on with the show.

Johnny flashes another smile. The stage lights is reflected in his pearly white teeth. His real teeth are of course stuffed in a box in his home, in between his Radiohead holodisc collection and the big pile of notes he wrote during his trainee period at CyberCrapTV. Despite the name they’re actually quite respectable. They even paid for the teeth renewal operation. All hosts have to have perfect teeth. CCTV even paid for the steel upgrade. No cheap plastic teeth here...

- So let's meet the first participant tonight. All the way from Square 49, say hello to Cornelius Sweuth!

The crowd noise builds up again. As Cornelius enters the stage most of the crowd is clapping. Have you ever wondered about the sound of one hand clapping? Well, a lot of previous participants on Amusing Amputations are in the crow and they're doing just that. Clapping with one hand.

- Hello Cornelius.

- Uhm, hi Mr Dildo

Cornelius looks around. His eyes pause briefly at the laser-surgery tools on the table.

- Are you nervous, kiddo?

Cornelius looks at the surgery table again and doesn’t answer.

- Hehe, that’s okay kiddo. Don’t be shy now. No pain no gain. Why don’t you tell us a little bit about yourself. And tell us why you’re here too.

Cornelius turns his attention from the surgery table and back to Johnny Dildo.

- Well, I’m 21 and I was just fired from my job at the Tree factory. So I kinda need money now... and Darleene says she’ll still loves me with one arm so...

- Darleene, is that the missus?

- I s’pose. My girlfriend. She’s real nice. And she looks purdie for her age.

- How old is she then?

- 53.

Brief silence.

- Folks, we’ll be right back after these messages...

- Somebody clean up the blood, will you?

Tip toeing across the blood stained floor Johnny Dildo leaves the stage.

- Hey Cornelius, how are you doing?

Cornelius gets up from the chair. He’s considerably more pale than before. And he has no right arm.

- I’m o-okay, Mr Dildo. Just a bit ... dizzy I guess. Say, do you know when I get my money?

- No idea, Cornelius, no idea. I’m sure the check’s in the hypermail. Well, see you around kiddo. As long as you have limbs left you’re always welcome.

- Oh thanks. Could I have an autograph for m...

- That’s real nice Cornelius, bye bye now.

Johnny Dildo reaches out to shake Cornelius’s hand. He quickly realizes there’s no hand to shake and instead pats him on the shoulder. A quick flash of the pearly smile and a tuck at the red suit. Johnny’s in charge here.

As he rushes out the door, Cornelius sits down the chair again. Carefully.

Just another thursday night...

The Suck