Dear Sally Jesse Raphaël,

I'm writing to you because you never answered my last letter. Are you ignoring me?

I just want to be a guest on your show, I don't think that's too much to ask. You can even choose the topic yourself, I'm very versatile. I was watching The Talented Mr Ripley and I think I was attracted to Matt Damon for a second. Bi-curious straight guys make great tv. Have you heard J.Lo's new song? It goes something like "don't be fooled by the rocks that I got, I'm still, I'm still Jenny from the block". Wouldn't it be great to have a guy saying that? It would take on a whole new meaning if it was a show about cross dressers!

Or how about "when plumbing fails"? There's nothing worse than taking a long shower on a cold, cold winter's day and finding that the water is cold. Everybody hates that!

Or "Billy's zwan song". I'm number one on google for "download zwan honestly". And that's despite the fact that I haven't even put it up on my site. How strange. But everybody wants their first single of course. They're going to be the next big thing. You should do a show about them. And their fans. It's such an amazing opportunity for us all to see this new band rise from the dust of the smashed pumpkins. I was like 10 when the smashing pumpkins formed. For a long time I thought that they magically appeared when they released Gish. It's so different with Zwan. From the first rumours on the message boards about Jimmy saying the new thing would be "zwan". Everyone saying that zwan was just greek spam. The first shows. The recordings coming out on the net so fast. Actually feeling the band grow and try out different styles. And now the first single is here and the album will follow soon. It's a story worth telling!

Or tell the story of how boring Sundays always are. There's never anything to do. I'm sure this is the root of all evil. Explore and expose. You can do it, I know you can.

So, please, Sally. Get back to me. I was meant for TV fame.

Yours truly,

Plume Witetrash

PS. what do you mean you aren't taping shows anymore? I see them on TV every day...