Dear the cast of Rent,

Do you know I've never seen a play in my life? The only "theatre" I've seen are school productions. And I doubt that qualifies as legit theatre. In fact I doubt it qualifies as anything.

On a Sunday with nothing to do I often dream of sitting in a theatre and... no that's a lie. I often dream of lying in my bed and sleeping. It's a much more easily obtained goal.

Does it ever snow on stage? It didn't snow over the weekend. Damn weather forecast.

Since I've never actually seen Rent I was wondering if you could send me a script? I might want to audition. I was turned down for Cats because my meeows were too scary.

I can also direct. Often people will ask me for directions to some place and I will direct them in the right direction.

Also, I am very good at pulling curtains. So please hire me and take me away from this Sunday.

Thank you,

Plume Rent-control