Welcome to Plume day on MTV!

Here is today's schedule for your viewing playsure:

6:00 AM - Music Videos
Catch non-stop music videos on MTV. All of them uncool and from the 90s.

7:00 AM - TRL
Plume helps MTV's Carson Daly count down the top 10 requested videos of the day from the studio and shouts at the crowd to shut the **** up so he can actually hear the music.

8:00 AM - Room Raiders
Being European Plume has never watched this show and so he gets very disappointed when Angelina Jolie doesn't show up dressed as Lara Croft.

8:30 AM - The Real World: Paris
Plume moves in with Seven strangers in a plexi glass bubble balancing on the top of the Eiffel Tower a la David Blaine's stunt.

9:00 AM - The Real World: Paris
Plume spends half an hour ranting about bloody repeats and too many commercial breaks. Eventually the seven strangers decide to jump out of the glass bubble and plummet to their deaths.

9:30 AM - Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Gauntlet
Plume spends another half hour ranting about how MTV should hire some creative people to come up with new concepts instead of rehashing 1 idea a thousand times over.

10:00 AM - Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Gauntlet
Repeat (see above)

10:30 AM - ET on MTV
Plume reviews the DVD release of ET. Guest star: Steven Spielberg.

11:00 AM - MTV Cribs
Plume is tired of still living at home and decides to squat in a celeb crib instead. Featured band(s): Aaron Carter

11:30 AM - Punk'd
Plume kidnaps Avril Lavigne and gives her a celebrity makeover.

12:00 PM - Britney: In the Zone & Out All Night
Plume dresses up as Madonna and tries to snog Britney. Then he proclaims the winner of Britney Vs The Music. Music loses.

1:00 PM - All Eyes On: Britney
Plume tries not to go blind

1:30 PM - MTV Cribs
After misunderstanding the term "squatting" Plume is easily thrown out by Aaron Carter. Next target: Nick Carter's garage.

2:00 PM - Rich Girls
You think High School is tough for you? Try being filthy rich! You can't wear the same thing twice and if your prom dress isn't an original Versace, you'll be the laughingstock of the school. A pain Plume knows all too well.

2:30 PM - Punk'd
Plume tries desperately to make Justin Timberlake cry again.

3:00 PM - Viva La Bam
Plume don't know what a Bam is.

3:30 PM - WildBoyz
Plume starts to wonder if this MTV schedule is a good idea after all.

4:00 PM - One Bad Trip
Winners don't do drugs: How Plume smoked a bad hairdo.

4:30 PM - Room Raiders
Room Raiders of the Lost Ark: Banana Jones innuendo.

5:00 PM - Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Gauntlet
Plume throws down the gauntlet and challenges MTV to a cock fight. After looking it up in the dictionary he decides to back out.

5:30 PM - Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Gauntlet
Repeats make baby Plume cry.

6:00 PM - Britney: In the Zone & Out All Night
Plume stays up late worrying about Britney.

7:00 PM - 2003 MTV Europe Music Awards
Plume hosts the 2003 MTV Europe Music Awards in an effort to stop the war between American and Europe. The show is held in Edinburrra, which explains why Plume tries to fake a Scottish accent throughout.

10:00 PM - Punk'd
Plume wonders what kind of a name Ashton Kutcher is anyway. It's like a bad anagram.

10:30 PM - Viva La Bam
Plume still hasn't found out what a Bam is.

11:00 PM - WildBoyz
Plume stars in a very special gay episode of WildBoyz.

11:30 PM - One Bad Trip
Plume spends half an hour arguing that this should be called "two bad trips" because it was on earlier too.

12:00 AM - Linkin Park: Spankin' New Special
Excerpts from Linkin Park's forthcoming DVD "Live From Texas". Special guest stars: George Bush and Plume. This is where the spaking comes in.

12:30 AM - Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Gauntlet
Plume gets road rage in cyberspace.

1:00 AM - Rich Girls
Rich girls try to buy Plume's love.

1:30 AM - Rich Girls
They didn't have enough money so they bring in more rich girls.

2:00 AM - Rich Girls
Bringing in even more rich girls they can now afford Plume's love. But they realize that they would rather start a lesbian amazon tribe instead.

2:30 AM - MTV Cribs
Plume builds a tree hut in the amazons.

3:00 AM - MTV After Hours
Plume sings "It's after 3 am" for an hour.

4:00 AM - MTV After Hours
Plume sings "It's after 4 am" for an hour.

5:00 AM - MTV After Hours
Plume sings "99 bottles of beer on the wall" for variety.

Hope you will enjoy today's programming. Look out for future features like:

Fanatic
Plume meets his two fans. Yes, both of them.

Dismissed
Plume goes on a date with two beautiful girls. In an unprecedented move they both dismiss him simultaneously.

Becoming
One lucky person becomes Plume. Plume 2 does a better job of being Plume and the original Plume is fired.

Diary
The TV version of plume.diaryland.com. You think you know. But... well you probably do.

Doggy Fizzle Televizzle
Plume aspires to be a p.i.m.p. Ehm... izzle.

Making the Video
Plume proudly explains how he made his videos. The special effects are mindblowing.

Newlyweds
Realizing that they no longer live up to the title of the show Nick and Jessica get a divorce. Plume marries Jessica and moves in. 2 days later he is checked into a hospital due to excessive banging his head against the walls.

The Osbournes
The Osbournes adopt Plume. They kick him out when Sharon finds out that he's a Smashing Pumpkins fan (hey if you're a Smashing Pumpkins fan you should know what that's all about).

Quality programmes, I'm sure you'll agree.

np: nothing