So now I feel pressure to write something meaningful and interesting. Like in a diary. Oh well.

I guess I'll tell the story of Katie Holmes and I. Oh Yes.

It was the time after the great suicide attempt. Things were unpleasant. Yeah, I used to laugh at that Seinfeld joke about people who fail suicide. One more thing they suck at. Mhm. Well, I was alone and needed someone. And there was no one. So I looked to the tv screen. I know it's silly. It could've been anyone. Like Britney Spears. Hehe, no not her. But I'm sure that a lot of people won't think there's a big difference between falling in love with Britney Spears and falling in love with Katie Holmes. But I fell in love with Katie Holmes. Oh, I know now that it wasn't love. I'm over it and all. But I convinced myself that I loved her and devoted my time and energy on her. To avoid dealing with real life. I still do that in other ways of course. So why Katie? Well, I remember the funeral of one of the characters on Dawson's Creek. Parents crying for their dead child. They never knew how she really was. So that got to me. Made me cry. Picturing my parents at my funeral. I was having a minor breakdown. And then she were there. I still think she has the most beautiful smile in the world. (I even made a tribute to her on my website. I took most of it down, but go here to see what remains. I went bananas over her. Typical crazed fan type of thing. And I even started writing poetry for her. I'd never been into poetry. But I thank her for revealing that side of me. Of course I wrote a lot of crappy love poetry about her. But I also discovered the therapeutical value of writing about the shit that goes on inside. So if it wasn't for her I probably would've never started writing. And of course I sent poems to her. Ohmygod I hope she never got them. It was wrong of me. I regret doing that. But what can I say? I was obsessed. I stayed up till 6am just to watch Y2k on the american east coast.

She diverted my attention from my crappy empty life. And for that I'm greatful. Then it so happened that we got a computer and an internet connection. And I started spending time on that instead of thinking about her. Another diversion.

oh and the thing that triggered all this remembering was the soundtrack to Dawson's Creek. The second soundtrack. I saw it on tv. And I didn't feel that pull inside, that need to get it. I felt that when the first soundtrack came out. I needed it. And I don't regret buying it either, some nice songs. PJ Olsson's "Ready For A Fall" is wonderful. And so are several of the other songs. "To Be Loved" is heartbreaking... "you deserve to be loved"...mhmhm.

So that was the story I guess. Of how I was so alone that I needed a fictional character to love. Boy, talk about having no one, eh?

Wasn't that fascinating boys and girls? Don't you love it when I share?

Let's move on.

Something else I love. The Smashing Pumpkins. Do yourself a favor and go here and download the Machina Acoustic Demos. Even if you hate the pumpkins. If they're too loud. If Billy's voice is too whiny. If you're in love with Britney Spears. Just go there and download the first 10% of Lover, Let Me Give The World To You or Here I Am. Then tell me that's not the most beautiful music you'll ever hear. Seriously. Do yourself a favor. Just to get in the mood here's a little lyrical taster from Laugh:

LAUGH

if they didn't know you then
what makes you think they know you now
vengeance is swift and sweet and sure
insecure

do you laugh
could you laugh about it
i know that
i could live without it all
you will grow to love me
even if it kills me
do you laugh

and i will speak of solice
and invest in promise
promise not to get too deep
promised i'd never grow weak
but a soldier never comes home
battle rages on and on

do you laugh
could you laugh about it
i know that
i will live without it all
i will live without it all

I'm telling you. He should've released those. It's treasure. If I had you and a gun, I'd put the gun to your head and force you to download it and listen to it. You don't have to like it. Just give it a chance. Well, I tried.

I think I discovered them pumpkins in 95. I never used to like music much. All the cool kids had their cool bands. Nirvana and Metallica. Funny that I started liking them so long after the cool kids did. hehe. Anyway. I wasn't into music. But then I heard two songs. Creep and Disarm. Creep isn't Radiohead's best but the lyrics... "I want you to notice when I'm not around"....those were my exact feelings about Sara. The girl I loved for the last 4-5 years of my schoolgoing. Maybe the only girl I ever really loved. "you're so fucking special I wish I was special but I'm a creep I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here I don't belong here"... oh..."I wanna have control, I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul"... Yeah. It amazed me that lyrics could be so powerful. That they could mean so much and talk straight to me. I never knew music could do that. Then there was Disarm. "Disarm you with a smile, leave you like they left me here to wither in denial, the bitterness of one who's left alone, the years burn". "The killer in me is the killer in you, what's a boy supposed to do? I send this smile over to you" That song remains the greatest. I know it's stupid but I feel like Billy Corgan and I are connected. Like he writes his songs for me. I know everybody'll think that way about their idols. It's akin to the whole Katie Holmes obsessed thing. But still. He's 33. I'm 22. He was born March 17th I was born March 15th. He wrote the song Spaceboy about his disabled brother. I have a disabled brother, not quite the same thing but still a brother he grew up protecting and such. A brother who does well on his own now. That's totally Peter, my brother. And then of course all the songs. "Pink ribbon scars that never forget, I tried so hard to cleanse these regrets, my angel wings were bruised and restrained, my belly stings" from Today. I have those pink ribbon scars. They NEVER EVER forget. Always there. I'll never escape them. "bored by the chore of saving face". "I'll burn my eyes out before I get out". It's me. I guess that's why I love them so much. I think they're what I love the most in life. The lyrics are so amazing, I can relate to them all. And then you can get the rage, the anger, the hate, the drumcrashing rawk'n'roll. Or you can get the quiet beauty ballad, the gentle lullabye or the screaming madness. Everything and in between. Stadium rock anthems or acoustic demos where he's not even trying to sing. You can get incredibly complex and meaningful lyrics. Or just simple nothings "Hungry, hungry again. Hungry, hungry again. When will it start to sway. when will it start to almost break you?" "oh yeah, another day. Oh yeah, what a waste. What it is, it never was. I don't care, or give a fuck. My boredom has outshined the sun, it's all down low. I just want to have some little fun. Bring me down. Bring me down". Bring me down. I hope everyone has a band that can do so much, mean so much, for them. And if it's Britney Spears or NSYNC then power to ya. They make me puke but if they make żou feel like the pumpkins make me feel then I guess they're here for a reason. Oh, I could go on and on and on about tsp. I already have. I can't believe Corrie thinks the lyrics to muzzle are bad. Goddamn, they're incredible. I'm blinded. I could never see fault in Billy Corgan. I know he's not the perfect human being, sometimes even not really sympathetic. But still I owe him so much. His music sustains me. I don't even know what that means, I just thought it looked all important and intelligent. I'm a fraud. If people knew... "Now you're naked, nothing but an animal. But can you fake it, for just one more show?"

Let's say goodnight now. Nothing interesting happened today. Nothing interesting will happen tomorrow. And in a hundred years this won't even have happened. I get scared when I think about what's after death. Maybe the idea of a god and heaven is nicer. But it's bullshit. There's nothing. Not darkness. Not an eternity of sleeping. Not lying in the grave waiting. There's nothing. From my point of view the world won't exist when I'm dead. Life won't go on without me. It will cease to exist. The univers will disappear. I won't be reborn. My spirit won't float amongst the stars waiting to inhabit another body and see how life has progressed while I was gone. There's nothing. Nothing. I'm trying to convey the feeling but I'm not sure I can. It isn't scary at first but if you meditate on it. Really try to conceive the concept of nothing. I find it scary. and.this.feeling.shivers.down.your.spine.

Did I say goodnight? Goodnight.

See you in my dreams tonight

NP: The Marked - Alone Inside

...then maybe you need me around?