"That I would be loved
even when I'm not myself"

That song always brings tears to my eyes. I mean, Alanis Morissette is all right. Perfect is a great song. She's not bad at all. The MTV hits are getting old, but still she's a fine artist. But that one song... Yeah, the concept of actually being loved. Seems so alien. That anyone would ever love me seems impossible. Oh there are the persons who are supposed to love me, and maybe they did once. But for someone to see something in me that's worth loving. Someone from the outside. It seems unlikely. Maybe that's why skye scares me. I'm just not worth it. I wish I had the strength to tell her that. She said that she'd live if the answer wasn't the one she wanted. But the thing is I'm just not sure about that. She already tried to kill herself once in the time we've known each other. I'm afraid and I don't want to hurt her. And even though it's scary it's also amazing. Even though I feel bad for not saying that I love her it still feels so good when she says she loves me. Ah, fuck life's a bitch. Yeah, love is suicide.

Well, who cares about that.... so what happened today? I deleted AIM. Haha, wouldn't that have been something... good thing it happened while skye's away. But I did fix it easily. And managed to talk to corrie who then ignored me a bit and signed off. I hope she was kicked off. Otherwise it was very rude of her. And I hate it when it happens anyway. Oh all the girls in my life. I'm one sexy bitch, they all want me. triedtotellherwhoireallyambutimnotsosurethatireallycan

But aim's working. So you can all im me if you want. Hah, no way I'm giving out my name. That would be like inviting all you freaks to contact me, nooo way. Only leprechauns and sexy chicks get to talk to me. Blahg. Or maybe I'm just way to shy to tell anyone. And it would be like presuming anyone would talk to me, while of course no one really wants to talk to me. And even if they did it would just die out. Because let's face it I'm boring and insecure. Makes for a crappy conversationalist. Whatever. I forget where I was going with this. Something about an alanis song that made me cry, right? Nevermind.

There's a wall right behind me. With pictures. I was leaning back, slanting the chair. I reached out, stretching (I love to make all my bones in my body crack. You know like you do with your fingers? I love doing that with my neck... .anyway...) So I nudged a picture... one of me and my brother as kids. And I got to thinking, I wonder if anyone would have cared if I'd pushed it enough so it fell on the ground and smashed to a thousand pieces. I have a feeling that my English failed me in that sentence but it's okay, I'm from Århus. But it's such a long time ago. I look so tiny in that picture. I'm looking a little apprehensive while my brother has this wonderful smile, full of mischief and happiness and simplicity. It's actually beautiful. Wow. Revelation time. Anyway, that's a long time ago. So much have changed. And I wonder if that past even matters, if that picture has a reason but to remind me of things I can't have anymore. Again I seem to lose track of what I wanted to say. I just pictured the picture smashing and wondered if it mattered. It's just a picture. Oh, my hands were so small. Soooo small. Now they're big, clumsy and ugly. Some jerk called me "longnails" when I was in school. Not in Danish. In English. Longnails. Well, I had long nails so I guess that's why. I still kinda have. I like it like this. I don't even think they're that long. And hey I was called worse things.... Damn, I'm just riding the rollercoaster, this might possible be a long entry. If I remember it all. Yeah. But that's okay, cause so are you. I'm incoherent sometimes, aren't I? I like that. Or not. I don't know. Sure-

So, my watch broke. Again. Yes, I had to much faith in the glue. I forgot to be careful and the strap snapped again. I was home alone at the time so my mum didn't see the thin white lines of death. I should probably mention that I'm 22, by the way. Just so you can see what a big loser I am. But please judge me, that's what I'm here for. Snow anyday, I fixed the watch again. With glue. And tied some (silver) string to support it. Hopefully it'll last longer this time. And you might ask why I don't just buy a new one. Well, two reasons. 1) that would require leaving the house. Which I prefer not to do. Due to lazyness/phobia/angst etchwhatever. And 2) I don't like the idea of trying on a watch with a wrist full of cuts. Maybe I can get one in a supermarket or something similiar, just off the rack, no trying on. Something cheap. With an alarm like the one I have now. I need that so I can be alerted everytime I need to escape reality with something on the tv.

Of course winter's coming so I could start wearing my old sweater. It served me well in the months after the great slit. I remember it snowed the day/night before. Like a miracle. I love snow. I thought it would be a last chance to look at snow before I went to somewhere so hot that snow would never fall. But I didn't go there. I stayed close to the snow-filled garden. And wore a sweater with really long sleeves all winter and then some. Thank god my mother doesn't know how to make a sweater with sleeves of a proper length. hehe. Came in handy. Yeah, I love snow. And cold. It's getting colder. Wonderful. I love going to bed in a really cold room. Freezing, shivering. Lying under the blanket. And then slowly the body heat kicks in and I start to get warmer, while the air around is still fresh and cold. MMmm. I like cold. Now let's get snow soon. Hypothermia rules.

Called the bank today. My youth account is running out. So I need it renewed. So I can get money for nothing still. I hate using the phone. Almost as much as talking face to face. As soon as I hung up I had a couple of questions I would've liked answered. But instead of asking them I'd focused on getting the conversation over with as quickly as posssible pissible. But I'm sure it'll work out and I'll get me cash. Money makes the world go round.

Saw the second Dawson's Creek soundtrack advertised on tv today. I wanted to tell a story about DC, the flys, katie holmes, and the suicide aftermath. But this entry is long enough already. So just assume I'm really shallow and stupid. And remind me to tell the story tomorrow. Then I might even do it. It's almost as interesting as this entry. I know that's hard to imagine, but believe me, it's a tale of... things. Interesting ones too. I gotta go. Escape a while. Sleep soon. I need to do that email. And stuff. Yeah, my life is busy. Busy busy busy. I mean I have to get to bed before 5 am or I just won't function the next day. And that might screw up my plans for doing nothing at all.

Ah, yes. Just mention that I've gone radiofriendly. No more "stay the fuck away from my analyzer". now it's please sign it. And nicer html. + a fixed link to my wonderful and interesting website on all entries. So go there. Read my poetry. Sign the guestbook. Make me happy. Nice dream. And put a g on boypumpkin for my even more interesting ultima website. That's the point of this whole diary. Grabbing visitors. Everything I've said is a lie, I'm really Janet, 34, from Illinois. And now I'm about to explode. See you on the other side.

I'm wondering if I should invite Buddha and Allah to my christmas party. Merry XXXmas. It's a gangbang. I'll need to go to the store and get some more peanutbutter though.

NP: Rhinoceros (WZRD broadcast '89) "yes, that's that really slow one, yes"

Congratulations if you've read all the way to here, that's amazing. Sign my analyzer and tell me that you read all this. I'll be your best friend forever and ever.Really-

Love, it's what you needed to need