Snow. Yes snow. It snowed. Not much. It had stopped when I got out of bed. I just saw sunshine on the drapes. Thought to myself that oh well, no snow. But as I came in to the living room I saw sun reflected in a thin layer. Thin but snow. I don't know if it qualifies as a white christmas? It's a bit white. But not all over... I wish it would start snowing again. I want to see it fall. I want to see it. For all I know that slight white coating could've been painted on by Weather Trolls. I want to see it fall. I feel so peaceful inside when it snows. The more violent the snow storm is the more at peace I am. Does that make sense? Does it have to?

Look at the stars, look how they shine for you... so how can it all be so bad? Don't be sad. It will be better. I don't know that it'll be better but I have to say something. Have to believe. That the stars shine for you. Once in a while for you.

I want to start from before the beginning.

With someone like you.

Yourself or someone like you.

Too little much too late

Oh did I say merry christmas? Merry christmas.

God I want to watch the disney show. I want to watch "while we're waiting". I want to be excited. I want to wonder what I'll get. I want to watch all the christmas specials of american sitcoms that are always shown out of sync with the rest of the episodes. I want it to be a magical night. I want to be a kid. Again. In the childhood winter when snow was snow and lots of it. Can we start over? Like Groundhog day. Can I live those days again?

I'm pathetic, I know.

But that's okay, at least I have that.

My brain says I'm recieving pain, a lack of oxygen

I'm in a shitty sentimental mood. I hate christmas. I hate myself. I hate the world. I hate the sky for not snowing. I hate the pumpkins for breaking up. I hate my dad for not being here on christmas (even though I'm glad he's not here for christmas). I hate my scars. I hate myself for being so fuckedup even though there are plenty of people with many more scars than I. I hate the phonecalls "merry christmas, we hope you'll start doing something with your life soon". I hate my vcr for inevitably breaking down real soon, just like all the others. I hate sitting here thinking about things I hate with tears in my eyes. I hate not having any milkshakes. I hate myself for not caring about Cobain. I hate my flopy disks. I hate my mother for changing the desktop picture. And for calling me stupid though she wants me to get an education. I hate my brother for having problems on the outside and taking all the help and attention. I hate today. I hate tomorrow. I hate the past. I hate how I'm destined to be alone forever. I hate how I need music to really feel things. I hate the music of today. I hate my slow internet connection. I hate my ugly voice.

I hate myself.

I love self pity.

Right. I'm done. Got that out of my system...

I think I'll make this an early entry. That way I don't have to spend christmas night writing. I can spend it crying over all the things I hate instead. Much better.

Every day is like sunday. Heh, the smiths are great for a melancholic derpressed christmas breakdown. Eeeevery day is like suuunday.

But Christmastime is more appropriate. Now I finally have an excuse for playing it nonstop. It's actually christmas.

I know I've done it before, but so what? You can skip down if you want. It's the best christmas song ever.

Christmastime

we watch the children playing
beside the christmas tree
the presents are wrapped up
so beautiful and secretly the gifts still hide
the fun awaits for you inside.

christmastime has come
there'll be toys for everyone
'cause christmastime has come for you.

i remember dreaming
waiting hoping praying for this day
now i sit and watch them
the little ones i love so excited by the wait.

and the word is given
time to peek inside
time to let the toys out
waited for just your surprise.

christmastime has come
there will be toys for everyone
'cause christmastime has come for you

Maybe you think the lyrics sound stupid. Maybe you can't comprehend the concept of the smashing pumpkins playing a christmas song. Maybe you're a bitter old cynic like myself. But give yourself a present, download Christmastime. Toys for everyone.

Victor Borge died. In Denmark we like to think he's a big huge famous celebrity all over the world. I bet no one's even heard of him. He's so loved in Denmark though. Only the queen is loved more I think. But then what do I know. Peace to his soul, or whatever it is. He wasn't my cup of tea but he was funny, I can't de... I mean I acknowledge that.

I've always been confused about when people celebrate christmas. We celebrate it today, the 24th, in Denmark. Does everybody? I thought people in England celebrated it the 25th. But maybe that's just presents? Boxing day? Once in another lifetime the great love of my life Sara had her dad come to our school to tell us about xmas in england. He's english. Sara's last name was Stevens (Uhm... I mean IS Stevens). I don't remember what he told us. But there was something about Boxing Day. Which always conjured up images of big sweaty men punching each other. That would be a beautiful way to celebrate christmas by the way. But anywho, merry christmas to you all. Wether it's today or tomorrow. Or some other time. Don't let me bring the party down.

Happy birthday, Jesus you old muffa. I have the peanut butter ready if you decide to drop by.

g'bye, have yourself a merry little christmas

np: pumpkins - Christmastime

...I remember dreaming, waiting, hoping, praying for this day...