Billy died tonight. Well not my hero, Billy the Corgan. Not someone from my life. Not someone real. But Billy from Ally. Did you know that the show Ally McBeal is just called Ally in Denmark? I wonder who sat down and said to him/herself "Hmmm, that Mcbeal thing isn't really necessary, let's cut it"? But that's beside the point, such as it is. The point being that I of course had tears in my eyes. As I always do when I see something emotional on tv. Now stop me if I've told the story before, but I used to never cry. I remember the Sports Day at school where I broke my arm playing soccer. I didn't know it was broken at the time, I just sat there hurting with tears in my eyes. And one of the girls said "Plume's crying, I've never seen Plume cry before". I'd never even thought about that. Not like I was a big real tough macho guy or anything. I guess I just didn't cry. But that's changed. Yeah, now I cry all the time. Cried a lot these past years from life being shitty. But also just anything emotional on tv. Even if it's cheap and predictable. I remember when Tasha Yar died on Star Trek:TNG. I told my mum that one of the regular characters on the show died and mother dear said: "She must've gotten tired of being on the show". I never thought of it like that. That the actress wanted to leave the show. But of course now I know that Bellows or what'shisname, you know the billy guy`? He wants a movie carreer and all that. But it still doesn't fail. I still get tears in my eyes. Yeah, I cried at Dead Poets Club/society can'trememberthetitle. I'm easy now. My theory is that because I don't really experience all these feelings in real life I live them out via the tv screen. Heck, I practically live on tv. Yeah. So that's my story. I cry because of tv programs.

Speaking of tv... I saw some program, I'm not going into the whole thing, just one thing that someone said. That cutting yourself was the same as smoking a cigarette. You're intentionally doing something you know hurts your body to get some relief or satisfaction. Interesting. I wouldn't know. I don't smoke. I don't cut. I've cut once but that wasn't for relief or satisfaction. That was to end it. I've wanted to cut other times. To be a cutter. But that was more to live up to a role as a negative scar-filled loner who put himself through pain to live. I couldn't really live up to that role. Don't like cutting myself. That one time was enough. I still get sick when I think about the razorblade piercing the skin. I still have that razorblade. Bloodstained. Speak to me in a language I can hear. Humour me before I have to go. Deep in thought I forgive everyone, as the cluttered streets greet me once again. Funny that I didn't play pumpkins when I cut-cut-cut (trying to do a monty python imitation to lift the mood, you know Michael Palin's barber dude?) .... I played Eels. Suicide music. Elizabeth on the bathroom floor. Going to your funeral. Hey, it was fitting. Adore and Electro-shock blues are two great records born of death. Cancer and suicide. For a moment I lose myself. I wish I could eat your cancer. I once had a dream where I had some sort of black crystal on my shoulder. It was cancer. I thought it was a sign. I hoped it was a sign. I guess it wasn't. Unless cancer is eating away at me from the inside. If anyone who reads this have lost someone to cancer they must hate me. I wish I could eat your cancer. But let's move along. Leave the suicide thoughts. There's plenty of time for that later...

and now a song. by the pumpkins. I've mentioned it before. I'll mention it again. If you don't like the pumpkins then close your eyes for the next few lines. And shoot yourself because your life ain't worth living without them. That is all.

LET ME GIVE THE WORLD TO YOU

last chance to make believe in always and all it seems
train wrecks hide underneath your umbrella
set the frame destiny on this first name soliloquy
tired symphonies play downward

let me give the world to you my love
let me give the world to you my love
let me show you what i'm thinking of
let me give the world to you my love

lovers form dead excuse
and blur the line with soul abuse
my lonesome lines just have no use around here

new skin may hold you in
but the old skin still turns us on
flicker fades the nitrate dawn to wear

let me give the world to you my love
let me show you what i'm thinking of
times are hard and we're the last in line
cause in my grief i'd forgotten what was mine

no i wouldn't change a thing
no i, no
no i wouldn't change a thing about the way you are
the distance here, the speed so far
so far
so far
so far

let me give the world to you my love
let me give the world to you my love
let me give the world to you
let me give the world to you
let me give the world to you
let me give the world to you
let me give the world to you my love

so far
so far
so far

That was pumpkins radio for tonight. I hope you appreciate it. You. The person I'm speaking to right now. The person that makes me real, sees to my existence for a moment. You, don't leave yet. Let me live in your light just a little while longer. You... sign my f***** analyzer, so I know I was alive. Whore, your whore. I'm a sexy bitch whore, I need your love. Love me and leave me, remember me and forget me. Do something for F***'s sake. Don't let me fade just yet...

My day you ask? I went shopping. It's getting so cold I need to wear gloves soon just for that 5 minute bike ride. On my way to the shop I pass this playground. More than a playground though. It's got a nice little club house, and lots of animals and such. And when I biked past it two goats were baaahing. They went "baah"- "baah" like they were talking, answering each other. Calling out. Like wolves howling at the moon. And I got this urge to just go "baaah" myself. Just to join in. Of course in civilized society you don't just go "baah" for no good reason. So I didn't. But I wanted to baaaah. Memory: standing up a hill-thingie behind a wall looking down on the playground. Looking at sara riding a horse. The girls from my class would ride horses there. So I'd spy on them. Yeah, I'm a freak. Just to catch a glimpse of her. Silly, I know I'm silly. Cause I'm hanging in this tree in the hope that she will catch a glimpse of me. And thru her window shade I watch her shadow move, I wonder if she...? Lily, my one and only. Love is in my heart................... pumpkinsong + memory = tears in my eyes. Quelle surprise.

So I shopped. Like I do. That shop is pretty much the only place I ever go. Once or twice a week. They've got metal detector thingies now. Not at the exit but a pair at each counter. Lots of metal detector anti-shoplifter devices. But it's no big deal... I'll just have to do my stealing elsewhere hahahahaha. No, I wouldn't. Never. Steal. Almost. But that's a story for another evening.

I am the voice inside your head. Please don't tell me to shut up. You're all I have to talk to.

NP: Pumpkins - Beautiful (and i can't help but feel attached, to the feelings i can't even match,with my face pressed up to the glass, wanting you ... ... under your stars forver)

...taste my need...