Monday, bloody Monday.

I actually got up way too early. I guess I wasn't tired. It's a miracle. So I decided to have a nice, long, warm shower. Instead of a short splishsplash. That was nice. Too bad I had to get out and go to work.

The first hour went by with sweeping the hall and trying to look busy. Anker wasn't there. Salla wasn't there. Just me and Cafer. Jolly good fun.
getting jolly wit it
And a new computer course has started up. That means I can't be in the computer room on Mondays. So instead I washed the floor with Cafer. If you know what I mean. And I don't mean that I used Cafer to wash the floor. So now you know what I mean.

That's what I mean. Washing the floor. Listening to the radio. It was positively surreal today. It went from that Limbo tune to the love theme from Twin Peaks. And every once in a while Cafer would start singing bits of Turkish folksongs. The kind you'd expect to hear from a belly dancing lady. As much as I resent life it never ceases to amaze me.
sometimes I wish it would
And then I left because I couldn't face hanging around with nothing to do. I think I'd do well for myself if I only had to work 2 hours every day. But every day around 11 pm I start losing my mind. All I can think about is that I need to go home. I start getting tired. My head hurts. I'm supposed to stay till 1 am but it's not too often that I make that. And next week I have to start staying till 2. That's going to be so much fun. I need to win the lottery soon.
help me with my yabb code
But the snow makes it worth going outside these days. It probably won't last long. Right now it's sort of icey hard snow. It's not that good to walk in or make snowballs of. But it looks pretty. The sun was shining today. The birds skipping along the snow. Everything looking good. Even though I wasn't feeling that great I still thought to myself "well it's not that bad" on my way home from work. Literally, that's what I thought. But I'm sure I will change my mind tomorrow morning.

And thus the day went by. Fighting with my mother. It's the little things. She doesn't want to accept that I know how to boil the eggs properly. She doesn't put the lid on the garbage. She turns on her music just as I sit down at the computer and turn on mine. It's the little things. It's not fair hating her for such little things. So why do they fill me with such rage? I'm becoming my dad. Being mean to her for nothing. I hate my dad for being like that. I hate the way our whole family (doesn't) work. And that I'm almost 24 but I'm still trapped in it. I really need to get out of this house. I think it would do me good. It might be the key to my survival, it might save me. But I'm still scared to death, I am still incapable. They should've kicked me out when I was 18. They should've gotten divorced. Or maybe just married. I can't remember if we were happy. We look happy on the old pictures faded memories lingering thoughts. But then it's easy to look happy for a snapshot. One less moment to break your heart, one less moment to tear apart. I don't know if they made me or I made them. I'm sure this isn't what they wanted. Maybe they really loved each other. I wonder if they planned to have kids. They got me. I guess I was fairly normal growing up. My brother was more or less disabled. It's funny (haha) that he's almost normal now while I've grow into this weak nobody. They spent all that time building him up while I was falling down. And now I can't get up.
remember me
Not that it matters of course. We'll all be the same in the end. I've been listening to this while writing and it's making me cry. It's a Danish song. Saybia. The moment you sleep. It's not perfect. But it's nice. Write to your local record label and demand that they sign Saybia in your country. And so on.

What else...
nothing. but that won't stop me
My spamtrap is failing. I'm getting spam again. I hate spam. What's the point of having a "you've got mail" alert if it's spamspamspam. Damn spam. Also my spamtrap may have caused me to miss emails from people that know [CENSORED]. So if you've tried to join the list and I've ignored you please email me again. And if you don't know what I'm talking about then don't worry. You'll know when we're knocking on your frontdoor asking for signatures.
I bet that'll scare them :-P
I think I'm falling in love with emotioneric. In a strictly platonic way. Just because I think the leadsinger of Travis is unbearably cute doesn't mean I'm gay. It's the shoes that make the difference. From my mouth to yours. Oops Nirvana is on now. How stereotypical can you get? My hair is almost long enough to headbang now. I'm still waiting for grunge to get back in fashion.

Last night I ran Ad-Aware. Which scans your computer for spyware. I was getting rather paranoid as it counted its way up to 56 pieces of spyware. I was beginning to think my computer was overrun by spyware. But turns out there were only two major things. Webhancer and Timesink. I'm not going to touch them. I happen to have a slightly.. ahem.. cracked CuteFTP. And I don't want to mess with their Timesink thing in fear of what might happen. And I'm still paranoid about Webhancer too. After reading all that stuff about how it'll kill your internet if you uninstall it. So I'm leaving that. Webhancer and Timesink took up like 50 of the 56 things that Ad Aware found. Then there were a couple of cookies, and I always empty out the cookies every night so that's no bother. And then Alexa which is a Microsoft thing and not too dangerous. And then there was a remnant of Comet Cursor which I'd uninstalled long ago but I guess it had left some traces behind. And then finallly there was Hotbar. Didn't know that was spyware. But since I'm not using it I just deleted it. And voila, now I know what spyware is on my system. It feels good. Like knowing that the brakes work when you drive your car out of the drive way on a cold icy morning. Or coffee.

Guess I better end this entry now. We've been over my hatred and despair towards my family and we've had a detailed examination of the spyware status of my computer. I think that's enough for one night.

Night night (ooooh, it's snowing! Yeshhh).

np: nirvana - jesus don't want me for a sunbeam (911031)