So do you want to know what the doctor said? You're gonna laugh.

Or maybe not.

There's nothing wrong with me. There's nothing wrong with me. Nothing.

I feel like slamming my head on the desk.

I should be happy though, right? No Cushing's, no surgery. No brain scan. I should be happy right?

I was walking up the hospital road, feeling like crying. If people saw me they would probably think "there goes a guy who got bad news from the doctor". But no. I got good news. When I was walking down the road, on my way towards the hospital before arriving, I was getting nervous. Thinking things like "I hope I don't have cancer" and "I hope the x-rays didn't show an evil twin growing inside me". I had to sit for 20-25 minutes and wait. Plenty of time to get more nervous.

And then 5 minutes of talking to the doctor. All the tests were fine. I'm healthy as a seabird. Or whatever the healthiest creature on Earth is. They did screw up my first urine samples. I do not have too high cortisol levels.

Allow me to swear for a minute, I feel it's necessary.

ALL THIS FUCKING SHIT FOR NOTHING. God damn it. What the fuck were they thinking at the hospital? I came in with two jugs full o' urine and they were clearly labelled, one for each day. Five litres in all. Nobody bloody pees five litres in one day. How could they possibly think that was one day? They were labelled for christ's sake. Didn't you think to look at the bloody labels?

Sorry. I forgot I'm not talking to the doctors and nurses. Agh. It's just all this stuff. Weeks of tests and wondering and worrying. Talking to people. Explaining. Getting my hopes up. All because some idiot thought I peed 5 litres in one day. OMG WTF. Argh.

Now I have to go back to the Reva center and tell everyone that it was nothing. Yes, I don't have a medical reason for being tired. I'm just a lazy bum who needs to try harder.

I feel like crying. I'm very depressed now. Don't tell me I should be happy that nothing was wrong with me after all. I wanted something to be wrong, so it could be fixed. This isn't fair.

Was there anything they didn't screw up? The urine sample, the eye test. As nice as nurse Anette was she did schedule me for a blood sample on a holiday. And told me the x-ray information was in the plan she gave me when it was actually the eye sight info. I wasn't supposed to do the second rounds of urine samples either. Although it turned out to be good that I did it, because they showed that my cortisol levels were fine. But still that was five, count 'em 5, mistakes they made. And if they hadn't made the first one then I wouldn't have had to go through any of this.

What to do, what to do. I don't know what to do now. The conclusion from the doctor was that there was nothing wrong with my hormones or anything. The lack of D vitamins was explained by the fact that I had a little too much calsium, so the vitamin d levels would naturally be lower. Nothing to worry about. The only explanation for my tiredness would be my social problems and my general unfit condition. So I guess that's all I have to do. Get healthy and deal with my emotional problems.

I don't mind telling you, I would much prefer an operation. Surgery is much easier than that.

I'm going to go talk to my own doctor soon though. Ask if there's anything I can do. And some other things. Things that point to me actually having some hormonal problems after all. Things that are too painful to talk about, yet anyway. Maybe there is still some kind of help I can get somehow.

Right now I just feel like staying in bed for a month or two. There's no fun in the world. There is no reason to get up when I know that in 2 hours I'll be so tired that all I want is to get back to bed. There are no colours, it all seems so very grey. I want them to turn black.

I guess I should take the Cushing's link down. No more interesting hospital stories. Back to my boring old life. I was starting to feel comfortable in my Cushing's attire, my Cushing's identity. Now I'm back to being nothing. Goes to show you shouldn't presume.

I'm tired. Very very tired.

soundtrack: rem - it's the end of the world as we know it (890609)