Okay. Standard double warning. This will be a long entry. And there will be pictures. There will be lots of them. If you don't care about my pictures (you meanie!) then just press your escape button, the pictures will stop loading and you can speedread your way through the entry and not have to suffer the visual aspects of the journey.

Let's start with yesterday. It was a pretty good day at work. I managed to actually pull my camera out. And I took a number of pictures and made some movies too. That was nice. It's not easy for me to do that. I'm so shy. But I'm glad I did it. And we smiled and laughed about it a bit. "What kind of evil thing are you going to do with our pictures" Sanne said. Hehe. Well, nothing more evil than show some of them here.

And first up is Sanne herself, the boss of our office.

And also the backhead of some guy she's talking to.

In the next one she's with Mahsen. Our new guy. I'm not sure how to spell his name. But he's a good guy. He's pretty funny and friendly. I like him so far.

You can barely make out the posters on the back wall (time to get a new digicam soon!). They're examples of our works. The one with the cat that says SLAM, it has Atilla the Stockbrocker on it. Who is that? I know it's a Monty Python quote. But I think I have heard the name before. The artist. Although if it's a poetry slammer then the chances aren't that great I guess, I'm not very hip to the poetry slam scene. Anyway, doesn't matter.

Let's see, who else we got? Jan wasn't at work. His health problems are acting up again. He might be facing some big hospital examinations soon. Lars wasn't at work either. I'd say he was skipping, but this time it might be for real. He had a really major cough the other day. One that sounded bone crunching. So that leaves us with Poul Erik. The 'spacey' guy.

He's nice. But a bit distant. He's an architect, but having a hard time finding a real job. He often gets lost in the things he does. He needs to draw a line. Then he draws the line. But then he redraws it and recolours it and draws another one and then he thinks of 15 other things he might do and then a couple of days later he asks Sanne about how to make the beer bottle look shinier. And Sanne says "but you were supposed to draw a line?!". He's not too good at focusing on what he's doing. He's asked me for help a couple of times too. I'm not really an expert on most of the programs we use so it's usually not me he asks. But some simpler things like just regular windows operations and file stuff. And it's nice to help of course, nice for me to get that little bit of socializing.

Here is one of Sanne and Poul Erik. Sanne right in the sunshine, like an angel.

That's about it. In addition to me, Sanne, Poul Erik, Mahsen, Jan and Lars there is another new guy called Henrik. He has taken over the computer/website duties from Christian. But he only comes in for a short while in the mornings so far, then he goes to another part of Kulturgyngen and works on their computers there. So I haven't really seen much of him, don't know anything about him yet.

I had my camera out and about a little. Went upstairs to get my lemonade. I took a picture of one of the guys in the bar.

Turned out pretty crappy unfortunately. In situations like that I can't really focus on taking a good picture. On lighting or composition. Or anything. I just quicky clicky and hope it turns out okay. This one didn't. He's one of the two guys I mainly see at the bar. He's the short one. There's a tall one too. They seem really nice. They know me. I wouldn't be surprised if they make fun of me behind my back, though. "The weirdo who always gets lemonade". But that's purely speculation. To my face they're nice and friendly. They treat me like a regular. A valued costumer. Even though I get my lemonade for free. There's also that nice girl I talked about the other day. And then there are various people at various times. But usually it's short guy or tall guy who I see in the bar.

And speaking of lemonade..

Ohohooooh yeah. That's the stuff. That's the highlight of my day. A beautiful, sweet glass of iced lemonade. Maybe it's not completely good for me. But one glass a day isn't horrible, right? And consider the fact that they have lots of soda. I could get a glass of cola every day if I wanted... So for now this isn't the greatest risk to my health.

I use the word "lemonade", but I'm not sure it is exactly the right word? I mean it's obviously not made of lemons... Haha. But also, yes I don't know. I'm not sure what to call it. Coolade? Coolaid? Eh. It's not important I guess. Any Danish people reading this have a good idea what the best translation for "saftevand" is? You know, you have a little strong flavour and you mix it with water. Hmm.

It's ecological by the way. That's one of Kulturgyngen's big selling points. Their kitchen is entirely ecological. I think it's one of the only ones in Denmark. Everything they use is 100% ecological. So you can eat there with good conscience, knowing that you're doing your part for the environment. Or something.

Right. After work I stopped down by the river. Hung out with the ducks. I have scrapped the pictures from that session though. None of them turned out too great and since I already have an abundance of pics here I figured I'd drop the ducks. Sorry pals. I'm a quack, I know. But that was a pretty good day. Despite the 6 psychological tests I had to fill out in the evening.

Another positive thing was that I didn't get nervous. About my meeting today. Normally the night before a big thing like that I'll get nervous and I won't sleep well. But I didn't get nervous at all and I slept pretty okay. Definite improvement. And I got up fine too. I got up too early in fact. I woke up at 6.40. No reason to go back to sleep for 20 minutes then.

I am still not a fan of mornings though.

I do like the sunrise though. The early part, before the golden rays come. The red and firey distance. Unfortunately it's hard to get a good picture of that. There is always cityscape in front, houses and trees and everything. I should find a big hill somewhere and watch the sunrise from there. Maybe I should build a tower in my backyard. Sit and keep watch.

I got a little surprise at the bus stop. It seems the bus I was taking was basically a school bus. I was getting on at 7:45. I looked at the timetable at the stop. And that was the last bus. After that bus it wouldn't go again until 2pm. When school is out. So that meant that I wouldn't be able to take the same bus back. Unless I wanted to wait till 2pm. Bummer. But I got on the bus. Lots of people. People going to school. I don't like crowded busses. Luckily the school was about 2 stops before I had to get off. So practically everyone got off there and then the bus was almost empty for me when I had to get out. That was good. The bus was a bit late though. And then I had a little problem finding my way to the anxiety clinic. So I ended up being 15-20 minutes late.

But I got there. I went to the secretary to ask for Signe, the psych I was meeting. And wouldn't you know it, Signe was actually in the secretary's office so she was the one I introduced myself to. I apologized for being late and she said that it was good I came. We went to her office and sat down. I gave her all the tests I had filled out. She had the psych evaluation that I got done at the Reva center too. And we talked for a bit. She had me fill out some forms while she looked at the tests. We talked about the results. She asked followup questions. I was expecting this to be yet another psych talk where I'd tell the same things once again and she'd ask the same questions as all the rest. But no, it was a bit different. It wasn't such a general talk about my life and past. It was more focused on fears, phobias, anxiety. That was good I thought. They are the anxiety clinic after all. So that's what she focused on and that's what they're good at dealing with.

She complimented me on my progress. She said I had taken giant steps from where I used to be. That I should be proud. She asked how I'd done it. I told her about the long, slow process. And about Skye. How she'd helped me. I don't know if I could have gotten this far without Skye's help.

I told her about the breakup too. That wasn't easy. But on the other hand it was good to tell a person in real life. To at least get it out.

We talked about me moving away from home too. About my fears on those things.

And she asked a lot of question about my fears and my phobias. A lot. At one point she looked at me and smiled, said "boy, can she keep asking questions eh?". Hehe. It was nice that she had a sense of homour about it. It went on for an hour and half. We got through it all pretty much. So she said I didn't have to come in again tomorrow. Score! Since I have already gotten permission from work to meet later tomorrow that means I can sleep a little longer. Excellent.

And the conclusion? She said she expected me to be taken into one of their groups. On Monday she will take up my case with the other psychs there. But she seemed quite confident that I'd be accepted. And then the question is when I can start. There's a group starting up soon. The spring group I guess. She said that she wasn't sure if there were any available spaces there. If there isn't then I might have to wait for the summer group. In August. But the important thing is that I have a very good chance of getting in and that it seems to me that it's a place that knows how to really deal with the kinds of problems that I have.

I am scared though. Mainly about the fact that it's group therapy. I'm not sure I can do that.

But I'm going to.

I have to. I want things to get better. So I'm going to have to go through it. No matter how scared I get. I must let them help me. I must be brave. Skye says I'm strong. I don't feel strong. But I will try to be strong. This is something I have to do. You don't get better by avoiding the things that are hard. The things that are hard are the things that will help you. I hope I will be strong enough.

All in all I was quite happy with how that went. And I didn't get too afraid. I do think I can feel the medication working a little. Not with my depression. I have had some of that lately. I'm talking now like I've been having some great days, but it's not more than 3-4 days ago that I was ready to write an entry about suicidal thoughts and dying and blood and flying from the tops of high buildings. I still might write that some time, because there were some interesting thoughts. But anyway, the point is that I still have bouts of depression. Coming and going. But the social phobia, I do think the medication has helped some. And if I can get the help from this anxiety clinic, then maybe. Just maybe. I have hope of getting better.

After all that I did manage to find a bus to take me home. And then I went to work. Christian was there. He still comes in every now and then to use our computer. He doesn't have internet at home. So he comes and does some job searching in our office. I managed to take a picture of him too. I wanted one. I like having pictures or videos of the people I meet. At some point he's going to stop coming in and it's nice to have something to remember him from. He was sitting with his back to me so I politely asked him if I could take a picture of him. And I did.

Another quicky clicky. Wish it had turned out better, I would have liked to have a really good one of him. But it's better than nothing I guess. He's a smashing bloke. Too bad he's leaving. Maybe if I get my social phobia cured I'll seek him out and try to become friends with him. You never know.

Now. Right about now, you're probably thinking "Whoa, that was a long entry with lots of pictures. I'm glad he warned me". But I'm afraid it's not over. See, it was a long day. I had a beginning head ache. And a lot of thoughts and tense muscles. So I figured I needed a pick-me-up. I couldn't find my crack dealer, and since I hadn't paid my tab at the local bar I thought I'd go to the playground instead. Now admittedly I haven't actually ever used drugs and I have barely drunk any alchohol. But I still imagine animals can lift me higher than any intoxicants.

So I went to the playground. And guess who was there?

Kees! Kees was there! Awesome! I hadn't seen him in months and months. I was beginning to think that he had been shipped off to some goat farm far away. But there he was. Good old Kees. As shy as he ever was. I think you really need to have some kind of food in your hand for him to let you get all close and cuddly with him.

Unlike with Blackie.

The minute Blackie sees you he rushed up to you and if you don't have any food ready then he'll start nibbling at your bags or your coat. He sure ain't shy.

I went and saw the lambs too.

My how they have grown! I don't even know if I can call them lambs anymore, they're almost as big as their mother. Although they must be lambs, because I saw one of them feeding from the mother I think.

It was kind of funny. It bent down under the mommy like that and then it rammed it's head up! It was like thrusting it's head up on the underside of the mother repeatedly. Maybe it was to activate the milk or something? I don't know. For a moment I thought it was trying to fight it's way back to it's mother's womb hehe.

Then when I was leaving I saw another old friend. Miss Piggy!

(can you spot the crazy goat on the right? Blackie is such an attention whore!)

Wow. It must be like six months since I last saw that big pig! Hehe. I'm not sure the picture really shows it but she really is huge. And you should hear her oink! It was really deep and powerful. Amazing. I know I'm a weirdo, but I couldn't resist oinking back at her. Haha. I can't oink as deeply and powerfully as she can. But I tried. Luckily no people were around. With animals I can be free, not so self conscious. If there had been any people around then I couldn't have oinked out loud like that.

If you want to see more of Miss Piggy and her piglets then look here. Look at that second piglet! Isn't it amazing? I have never seen a piglet like that before. There were a few of them in that colour. With spots. I'm no expert on pigs, maybe it's a common thing. I just thought they were too adorable for words.

And now, finally I think we're at the end. Oh no, one more thing. Look what I got in the mail today!

It's not a very good picture. It's sort of reflective so it's hard to photograph and I'm very, very tired so I can't get myself to redo it. But it's a Superman pin. Is that what it's called? It's lovely anyway. The wonderful Desirée sent it to me. She's really great. She bought it at a charity event for sick kids. She saw it and thought of me. Isn't she the true superhero?

I am feeling positively happy now. It's been a very good day really. Especially since I accomplished something, did something that wasn't easy for me. But I got through it and managed to have a really good day nonetheless.

I have hope for the future. Satisfaction at work. Wonderful animals. People on the internet who are so good to me. Skye. I have good things in my life. It's far from perfect. And I have a long way ahead of me. A long battle still remains. But I don't have it so bad.

I wish there were more days like these.

Oh also, my elven name is Engwathôn. Just in case you wanted to know. I should tell Treeface about that. Maybe I should read Lord of the Rings to him. I think he'd love it. I think he'd love it a lot.